American Airlines unveils plans to crack down on passengers enjoying their flight
DALLAS, TX — American Airlines’ COO David Seymour announced new plans for the airline to crack down on passengers actually enjoying their flights.
In a series of announcements timed to coincide with the release of the airline’s new “Flagship Suites” offering, the vaunted Chief Operating Officer gruffly unveiled a new strategy that will curb passenger enjoyment.
“Today marks a new era in American Airlines travel. Our employees have been given strict guidelines to reduce passenger happiness while traveling on our flights. Under the new guidelines, a joy-reduction metric has been established and flight crews and gate agents will be measured based on the number of negative interactions with passengers,” said Seymour at a press conference held outside a DFW restroom.
Seymour went on to highlight that passenger satisfaction had climbed to unheard-of levels recently causing great concern among senior leadership. With a record-high Net Promoter Score of -11 the airline’s COO was forced to take dramatic action in hopes of bringing passenger satisfaction back in line with brand norms.
A subsequent press release highlighted some of the new tactics the airline will employ to reduce passenger satisfaction.
- Reading the entire terms and conditions section of credit card announcements before forcibly handing an application to every passenger
- Randomly requiring passengers to use a physical boarding pass instead of a digital one
- Requiring at least three ultra-MAGA passengers to fly on every flight in full MAGA regalia
- Random waits on the tarmac for no apparent reason
- Leaving the lights on during all nighttime flights
- Intermittently disabling in-flight entertainment systems
- Playing the heavy metal band Lamb of God’s Omerta during the boarding process
- Timing gate agent break times to coincide with the arrival of planes that have been in the air for longer than 4 hours
- Allowing TikTokers to record videos
- Changing in-flight meals to five-alarm spicy Vindaloo
- Eliminating toilet paper in at least 2 onboard lavatories
Reports are circulating that other airline CEO’s are keeping a keen eye on the measures before implementing their own joy-reduction metric.