Philly airport unveils aggressive plan to go from worst airport to 2nd worst airport in next 11 years

PHILADELPHIA, PA — After placing dead last in a new JD Power airport survey, the leadership team at the Philadelphia International Airport unveiled a game-changing plan to move from dead last to second to dead last over the next 11 years.

Colloquially known as the Filthadelphia International Airport, Philadelphia’s infamous airport made history by finishing, once again, as the worst “large” airport in North America according to a new JD Power survey. This year marks the 5,947th year the airport has landed last on the list, but leadership at the airport says that’s all about to change.

In a press conference held outside of a men’s bathroom in Concourse C, the Chief Executive of PHL unveiled a new plan to vault the beleaguered out of last place and into 2nd to last place.

“Our goal is to suck less than Honolulu and Kansas City’s Airport over the next 11 years,” he said. “During that time period, we will make broad sweeping changes like actually sweeping the terminals, spraying for bugs, capping union corruption at 50 million dollars a year, and even cleaning a bathroom or two every week instead of the every 6 months schedule we use now.”

For their part, people attending the press conference seemed enthusiastic about the changes although they were later found to be confused passengers who thought they were actually in a line to use the bathroom. No reporters attended.

And a rat bit the CEO immediately after the press conference concluded. While receiving medical attention for the bite, the CEO was also mugged.