Suicidal Man Decides to Live — After Refusing to Be Caught Dead in Disgusting Hotel Room

BOISE, ID — A suicidal man intent on Bonvoying himself discovered the will to live after checking into accommodations he found less than ideal. Russell “Rusty” Carrington IV of Meridien, ID, checked into the JW Marriott — Boise City Center on Tuesday. He spent 175,000 points on a suite he expected to enjoy for only a few hours — before his planned suicide. But things took an unexpected twist. “I planned to Bonvoy myself,” he said. “I’d been planning this for a long time. So, I burned all my points on fun trips and stuff during the past few months. “I had 168,432 Marriott points left,” he explained. “But that wasn’t enough to get a suite at the Jay-Dub in downtown Boise. But one of those credit card salesman bloggers — I forget which one — said points were on sale. So I said ‘the hell with it and bought ten thousand more.” Mr. Carrington is a Marriott Bonvoy Gold member, thanks to his American Express Platinum card membership. He said he dearly misses his beloved, now-defunct Starwood Preferred Guest program. (“May it Rest In Peace,” he said, “just like I almost did, hah hah.”) His plan was simple: check into the suite he booked, order room service, and wash down two handfuls of pills with whatever liquor was in the room’s minibar. But fate — in the form of the JW Marriott Boise City Center — intervened. “First of all,” Mr. Carrington said with a click of his tongue, “there were water spots on the bathroom counter. And the shower had wall-mounted toiletries. I didn’t plan to bathe or anything because I’d be, you know, dead. But still. Wall-mounted toiletries are so high-school locker room.” But his would-be last day became even worse. “I tried ordering room service at around three P.M. But they were closed until dinner service started at five. Apparently, they’re operating on reduced hours because of staffing shortages. I was hungry for my steak and French fries and didn’t want to wait. I had a schedule to keep and pride myself on being prompt and on time. Neither death nor I wait for room service.” The problems continued. The staffing shortages also affected the mini-bar restocking staff — who were refilling the goody fridges four flows below and hadn’t made their way up to the suites yet. All that was left in his bar was a can of Diet Coke and a single wine split of Chardonnay. “That wouldn’t ‘get the job done,’” he said. The tipping point came when he spotted something on the king bed’s white comforter. “I noticed a couple of faint stains,” he said. “I don’t know if they were blood, vomit, or something else. All I wanted was a clean bed so I could overdose and die in. Like, excuse me for having high expectations. “I’m a Gold member who booked a suite!” Mr. Carrington fumed. “I’ve had better service on days I wanted to live! I was mortified by the staff’s ignorance.” Mr. Carrington said he then had “an out of body experience.” “I had a vision of good-looking paramedics coming into the room and discovering my pristine corpse,” he explains. “They’d obviously want to try mouth-to-mouth as much as possible. Maybe for a few hours. But they’d look around the room and go, ‘I thought this guy had class. Instead, look at this room! What a pigsty! The bathroom! The mini bar! These stains on the sheets! “It was then I decided I wouldn’t be caught dead in that disgusting room.” Mr. Carrington packed up his pills and went home with a new lease on life. But he is frustrated about one thing. “I’m pretty much out of points and still have a lifetime left to live,” Mr. Carrington said with a sigh. “I guess I have to churn a bunch of credit cards now and start MSing like crazy.” Author’s Note: This post is dark satire. But the author has been treated in real life for anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts — and is so glad he’s still alive. If you or someone you know are thinking about suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800–273-TALK (8255).