United’s leadership unveils plan to get flight attendant NPS back to negative 65%

CHICAGO, IL — After receiving a brutal first Net Promoter Score from United Airlines flight attendants, leadership at the beleaguered airline unveiled a new plan to get their numbers to a respectable -65%.

“If we can just suck a little less it could make a real difference with our staff,” United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby told his leadership team today. The beleaguered CEO and this team were still reeling from the fallout of the recently implemented “Net Promoter Score” methodology the United Airlines flight attendant union deployed to measure the effectiveness of management. The first score? Negative 95%.

Using NPS methodology, the results mean that around 97.5% of all United flight attendants would be considered detractors which is another way of saying that pretty much all flight attendants actively think United’s management sucks pretty bad.

However, United Airlines’ leadership team was quick to react after hearing the news and quickly unveiled their new plans to get the numbers back to a respectable negative 65%.

“If our company can treat our flight attendants just a little less shitty every day then we can move the number, folks,” preached Kirby as he berated his executive team in an after-hours call that interrupted several family meals.

The strategy is being referred to as the “We Suck Less” program and is designed to limit the number of poor interactions that flight attendants might have with the company.

For example, the program will roll out “listening staff” where hired actors will pretend to “listen and value” flight attendant feedback while offering an emphatic and reassuring glance or touch.

Another key feature of the program involves deploying “employee feedback boxes” on airplanes where flight attendants can fill out a small chit describing their concerns and place them in a box connected to the lavatory system. Flight attendants, of course, will not be compensated for the time used to fill out the recommendation.

Flight attendants will also be given buttons that say “at least you have a Union…Delta doesn’t even have that” to wear in hopes of reminding them how good they truly have it with United.

Kirby remains optimistic that if they can get their numbers up to a negative 65% they might not have to keep paying their flight crew for boarding time.